Long week

I've been blogging a lot lately. I guess that happens when you have a million things running through your head at any given moment. As it were, I decided that, rather than post my blog on myspace where there is SO MUCH other stuff going on, I would dedicated something specifically to the random musings that go on inside my head. I had to use this site for a blog project at school and thought it would be simple and easy to create my own blog here as well. So, here I am.

This has been a weird week for me. Finals are starting up, sleep is far and in between, and work is hectic. But, on top of the normal things in my life, I've had to brushins I never expected to have this week. Let me be the first to say, seeing people you didn't expect, can really mess with your head. My head has been running circles around itself. There's so much going on in there right now... it's probably a good thing I'm taking time to write it all down.

It all started two weeks ago. I woke up one morning after having a VERY disturbing dream that a friend of mine had died. I went to my mom immediately and told her and she says: "Funny you should mention death. Daniel's mom died on Thursday." Now, for those of you who are reading this and don't know, Daniel was my first true love. I met him when I was 20 and it was a whirlwind. I fell for him hard and I fell fast and it took me a really long time to get over it. He cheated on me and that left me feeling empty for a long time. Anyway, as many hard and harsh feelings as I had for Daniel after we broke up, I never would wish harm on his family. His mom and dad were nothing but nice to me the entire time Daniel and I were together. His mom was hilarious. I remember she was always making me laugh. I found out when the funeral was and felt God pulling at my heart to be there. So, I mustered up some kind of something and went. I just got home about 20 minutes ago actually. It was the strangest thing. I was in a room surrounded by people who knew this woman, most of whom I didn't know. I waited in the recieving line afterwards. I wanted Daniel to know I was there, to know that I still cared for him and his family, even though we broke up several years ago. When I saw him, I felt NOTHING. It was almost like there was this person that I didn't even KNOW. He looked so different, bad even. And not in the "my mom just died" kind of way. He looked like he'd had a really rough past few years. It made me feel almost PITY for the guy. I mean, I've risen above all of this and he's not well. I didn't speak two words to him.

This just got me thinking on the way home. What if I HAD married him? There were talks of it at one point. That would have been a terrible mess I would have gotten myself into. I remember now what people were saying about me when I was with him. They didn't know who I was... I acted like I was on drugs... I was some weird anti-Katie that noone knew... and then I realized that was who Daniel was to me today. Someone I didn't even know. It really put a lot of things into perspective for me - God does things for us for a reason. God puts people in our lives for a reason. I see that now.

Secondly --- on Wednesday, I talked to Rob. It was the first time since I got the GREAT brush off back in the beginning of November. Once again, God was pulling on my heart. I just felt like I needed to tell Rob that I'd forgiven him for all that he'd done to me. So I took a deep breath and told him. It started a conversation that was well overdue. Of course, all this conversation got me was that a) he still has feelings for me. b) brushing me off was the worst mistake he'd ever made in his life. and c) there will always be a part of me that will still feel everything I've ever felt for him. So, basically, all that did was stir up crap that didn't need to be stirred. He and I are talking now, but I told him I can't be anything more than his friend. It's just TOO painful.

I guess it's all in God's hands now. I'm handing all of this over to Him and letting Him handle the brokenness in my life and my heart. I'm trying, however I can, to live strong everyday. I feel like each day gets easier. I was doing so well for a long time until this week - this week of events that turned my perspective around. But I'm still here, I'm still breathing, and I'm still healing. I know that in time, everything will be alright again.